Grief Isn’t One Size Fits All

Photo credit: Shelley Fourney

The news came like a punch to the gut and immediately the thought, "How will I do life without him?"

NOTHING has knocked me off my feet like grief — and NOT just death. My own grief was actually the motivator for this series. As I have navigated my own period of mourning, as well as various other significant life changes over the last several years, I have found this grief/loss journey to be wildly sporadic.

So what even IS grief? For me it was a pain filled response to those I love dying as well as sorting through changes in relationships. And here's the thing — grief of course is thought of by many as DEATH and it is! AND grief can also be ANY kind of loss. For YOU it might be about a different type of loss entirely.

How do you define grief? Is there really a right answer? In my opinion, NO. Webster Dictionary defines grief as: the pain of mind produced by loss, misfortune, injury or evils of any kind; sorrow; regret. We experience grief when we lose a friend, when we incur loss, when we consider ourselves injured, and by sympathy, we feel grief at the misfortunes of others.

Nothing about grief and loss is textbook.

Various types of loss can catch us off guard and when we least expect it. We can experience deep sorrow when:

We lose someone we love to death. Whether the death is expected or unexpected, both cause great pain. Loss that is expected has often been grieved for weeks, months or years prior to the actual death, so the emotional response can seem more manageable when death occurs. If death is a surprise — a tragic accident, unexpected health failure, or death by suicide — it can leave one in shock and unable to function. Both are extremely hard AND different in how we respond. A friend that has walked this road reminded me that losing a spouse isn't just the loss of a spouse — rather you lose your entire future. Your life changes completely when your person dies because you are starting over, recreating a life, your plans and your future.

Relationships end or change. This includes betrayals, breakups, or leaving toxic situations. These types of losses can be such a mind game. Often one is left questioning themselves, wondering what part their responsibility is, asking do they try to repair this relationship or just walk away. This taxing processing adds to the loss and can leave folks with months of emotional sorting.

Our own health changes or someone close to us has a health event. A new diagnosis, a change in abilities due to injury or aging, or any significant health shift can trigger grief. The health shift involves adapting to a new normal and often the physical differences are not easy — and as a result it is not uncommon to experience mood changes.

Life transitions. Moving, becoming a parent, changing jobs, accepting a leadership role, children starting school, facing an empty nest, or retiring — these changes can all bring unexpected grief.

As part of grief, our family and friends may have different opinions about loss. They may want to help by sharing their experiences, what they think we should do, or what they think would be helpful. Remember that what works for you is just that — WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.

ALL of these experiences are profound and deserve acknowledgment. It's natural to feel pain, confusion, or loss during these times. Remember, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these challenges.

This topic touches all of us — whether you are brand new to loss or have been carrying it for years. Grief in all its forms deserves acknowledgment and understanding.

I would love to hear your feedback about what resonated with you and if there are other areas of grief or loss you would like me to cover. Feel free to respond here. If you prefer to respond more privately you may contact me at 970-729-3545 or email me at shelley@intentionalsteps.us.

A note — the tools and approaches I have shared here are things I have found to be helpful. This is in no way exhaustive. Every person and every loss is different.

Photo credit: Punky @punkturesphotography