Why You Can’t Think Straight - What Grief Does to Your Body and Mind
Photo credit: Shelley Fourney
What am I going to do? How will I ever live life without them? I can't believe they left me.
Tears, shock, anger, overwhelm, fear, denial, exhaustion, and life as "I KNOW" it is over. This creates a reevaluation of everything and that can be exhausting. Think about when you have made a change in life — a job change, kids going back to school or home for the summer, a caregiving need, a friendship loss or change — remember how you felt off, lost, overwhelmed? Grief can intensify those feelings tenfold.
Emotions and intensity vary based on types of loss, whether the loss is unexpected or expected, whether the loss came from a change you initiated. Regardless of when loss occurs it can set one back and create a variety of emotions. When the loss is from an unexpected or traumatic event the impact to functioning is so much greater.
Death of a partner or child are often incredibly life altering and due to the nature of these roles create such an impact to daily functioning. Loss that occurs where someone is not a part of one's everyday life is often still exceedingly difficult — it may not impact daily life in the same way. Also important to note — if the loss was unexpected it does seem to heighten the intensity of emotions. This is not to say that expected loss is easy, it just means typically folks have had a chance to begin to process what is coming prior to the actual loss and that reduces the emotional response. Both are hard.
In the case of caregiving for a partner or child with a terminal disease, watching them go downhill can be excruciating as they watch their loved one lose abilities to function on their own. The exhaustion felt from caring for their needs is tiring mentally, emotionally, and physically.
The end of a relationship due to a breakup, divorce, or estranged relationship can create all or parts of the same emotions. Very often a new life without one's partner is completely unfamiliar territory. Additionally, sometimes ending a relationship can be fraught with hostility and contention due to custody, financial, and asset disputes.
Phase of life changes like retirement, children leaving the home or going to school, job change, and so on are often assumed to be "just life" and something you just do — however these types of changes can really disrupt life as you knew it and produce some level of the same types of feelings of loss. No this is not a death or divorce, however often we can be surprised at the impact these "just life" changes can produce.
Physical and mental impacts definitely occur. These lists are in no way conclusive — rather just a starting place.
Physical Impacts:
Crying
Disbelief
Shock
Sleeplessness
Anger
Short tempered
Lack of appetite
Stomach issues
Headaches
Inability to do simple tasks
Mental Health Impacts:
Brain fog
Decision fatigue
Sadness
Overthinking
Second guessing
Hopelessness
Despair
So the question often gets asked — when is it typical grief and when are symptoms problematic? And that answer looks very different if this is immediately after a loss or a year later.
If you called me I would ask a few questions. Are you able to do very basic tasks — eating, hydrating, sleeping, paying bills, bare minimum functioning? Functioning can look like doing life one tiny step at a time — cooking, cleaning, paying bills — with grief and various emotions intermingled throughout. Not functioning looks like drastic changes to behavior and what is normal for you.
If you are functioning, even in tiny steps, it seems you are getting through as best you can. If you are not — or not sure — it never hurts to call a professional you trust to ask for their help to sort this out.
Something else to note is that loss can overtake you AND that can be NORMAL. Whether you feel you can sort it out on your own or need help — please trust yourself to decide. You are the expert on you.
This topic applies to anyone walking through loss — whether it is fresh and raw or something you have been carrying for a long time. What grief does to your body and mind is real and it deserves to be named.
I would love to hear your feedback about what resonated with you and if there are other areas you would like me to cover. Feel free to respond here. If you prefer to respond more privately you may contact me at 970-729-3545 or email me at shelley@intentionalsteps.us.
A note — the symptoms and experiences I have shared here are things I have found to be common. This is in no way exhaustive. If you are concerned about what you are experiencing please reach out to someone you trust.
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Photo credit: Punky @punkturesphotography