Just Show Up - How to Support Someone in Grief
Photo credit: Shelley Fourney
As I sit with clients experiencing loss of any kind it can look very different person to person. Some folks slow down to the point of not functioning at all and some get busy settling matters, going through personal things, and some are in between. Emotions are all over the board also.
Pretty typical is sorting out what life will look like moment to moment. As I work with folks in loss, focusing on very brief amounts of time seems to be critical. That can be getting through a day, an hour, or a minute at a time. Also, typically there seems to be a point sometime in the first few months where people feel as if they can NOT grieve 24/7. They seem to want to have a bit more routine and participation in life. It is ok to allow yourself to do normal things — it doesn't mean you love the person you lost any less.
Most importantly this looks different for everyone. There is no wrong or right way to get through loss. Your journey is personal and it is ok to just trust yourself about what you and those closest to you need during this time.
It is NOT about saying the right thing. Often there is NO "right" thing.
Rather than asking "how can I help?" or "what do you need?" — which are too big of questions — offer some choices. Remember that questions turn on the thinking brain AND too big a question will only be answered with "I DON'T KNOW." Follow their lead. If they are quiet, be quiet. If they are busy doing tasks, do tasks with them. If you are not sure if they want company ask — do you need time alone or company right now? Is talking useful or would you rather have quiet? Giving them multiple choice answers allows them NOT to have to think and helps them get what they need without worrying about offending you.
It is not their job to take care of you right now.
AND — please do not say "reach out if you need anything." Very often the person in grief doesn't even know what they need — they are immersed in the loss and can't even remember to eat and drink. They are thinking moment by moment. That means they might not know they need help until that very day.
Some specific offers that actually help:
Would you like me to answer the door?
Can I respond to texts for you?
Would a script be helpful — something like "Thank you so much for reaching out, please contact ___ they are organizing some things that are helpful to me"
Do you have food for today?
Would you like me to go to the grocery store for you?
Can I pick up your mail?
Can I help with lawn care, cleaning, or freezing the overflow of food people have brought?
When you text or call — front load your message by saying "No need to reply." This lets the person off the hook for getting back to you. Do not take their lack of reply as meaning don't reach out. Consider creating a reminder for yourself to touch base again in a week or a month. It is likely they are overwhelmed by even messages and calls offering support.
Remembering them and sending a brief text or phone call weeks and months later is important. Remember — even two years or more later they still need to know you understand their grief and loss IS NOT OVER.
Is there anything running through your mind that you do not want to forget? I can make a list and we can sort it later.
Truly just be present with them in whatever they are doing.
This topic is for anyone who loves someone in grief — and honestly for the person grieving too, because sometimes it helps to be able to share this with the people around you.
I would love to hear your feedback about what resonated with you and what has actually helped you or someone you love. Feel free to respond here. If you prefer to respond more privately you may contact me at 970-729-3545 or email me at shelley@intentionalsteps.us.
A note — the suggestions I have shared here are things I have found to be helpful. This is in no way exhaustive. You know the person you love best — trust that.
Photo credit: Punky @punkturesphotography