There Is No Timeline for Grief - And That Is Ok
Photo credit: Shelley Fourney
There is no timeframe for grief. I want to say that again — there is NO timeframe for grief.
The intensity of grief may decrease over time, however grief will show up sporadically even after there has been healing. A special person told me “life moving forward can be good AND it will never be the same.” Someone special is gone and that matters.
A few common misconceptions worth addressing:
If I am crying or experiencing grief years later it means I never healed — not necessarily. Emotions do not indicate lack of healing. Functionality does.
An example of not healing: if a year after the loss you are completely thrown off kilter by the mention of your loved one or the loss you experienced — to the point that it inhibits activities of daily living not just for an hour but for days or weeks — it may be time to ask for some help. Perhaps finding someone you trust to help you sort through the grief could be helpful. Remember, not everyone can assist you with this process. Not because they are not professional, but because some folks do not have the mental energy to walk with you through your grief or because they are also grieving. Asking that trusted person — "Hey do you have the mental space to allow me to process my loss with you?" — is ok. Finding a professional can also be useful.
An example of healing: if on the other hand a year after the loss you are caring well for yourself, going to work, socializing in a way that is normal for you, and experiencing some tears or emotions when something reminds you of that loved one temporarily — that can be functioning normally. Temporarily meaning you are able to get yourself together after a few minutes and return to your day. Having emotions come up is typically considered normal. Them impacting your ability to function for a longer period of time — maybe not.
Talking about the loss ONLY makes it worse — again, different for everyone and is a spectrum of different responses. At one end some folks are very private and sort through things quietly and alone and on the other end there are those that can only talk out loud to sort things through. It isn't about right or wrong — instead what works for you in the moment.
Being emotional is a waste of time — actually, expressing emotion can lighten the grief load temporarily. Everyone is different. For some tears and emotions come immediately, for others there can be a delay. Neither is wrong.
DON'T FORGET — research has found that in addition to being self-soothing, shedding tears releases oxytocin and endorphins. These chemicals make people feel good and may also ease both physical and emotional pain. In this way, crying can help reduce pain and promote a sense of well-being. Keep in mind though that for some crying does not always happen initially.
Best way to deal with grief is to move on, get busy, return to "normal" — keep in mind that dealing with grief may just mean taking one minute at a time and that moving on looks different for everyone, especially when grief is new and fresh. Think tiny baby steps, not big decisions.
ALL these experiences are profound and deserve acknowledgment. It's natural to feel pain, confusion, or loss during these times. Remember, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these challenges. Seeking support and allowing yourself time to process these changes are important steps in healing.
This topic applies to anyone who has loved and lost — and is trying to figure out what life looks like now. There is no timeline and there is no wrong way.
I would love to hear your feedback about what resonated with you and if there are other areas of grief or healing you would like me to cover. Feel free to respond here. If you prefer to respond more privately you may contact me at 970-729-3545 or email me at shelley@intentionalsteps.us.
A note — the experiences and approaches I have shared here are things I have found to be helpful. This is in no way exhaustive. And if you need someone to walk beside you through this — please reach out. That is exactly what I am here for.
Photo credit: Punky @punkturesphotography