You’re Not a Bad Parent

You can't pour from an empty cup — your kids know this before you do!

As a mother of three, the sense of overwhelm and irritation that came from too much happening at once was real. We homeschooled and my husband has worked from home since 2003, so we were all together — often. I look back and am grateful for all the small moments AND I realize now I was trying to do it all and DO IT PERFECT.

I can remember standing in the kitchen — often my location — homeschooling meant what felt like a constant need for food. The first sign was always internal. Before I said a word, before anyone around me knew, there was this building pressure — just wanting to SCREAM and manage less. School, work, cooking, cleaning, kids being kids happening all around me — and something in me was already white-knuckling it before the irritation ever showed up out loud. And then it would — responding sharply, or before I even listened.

If only my internal chatter would have been — that list is long, shorten it up, it is ok to enjoy watching your kids play, this will actually refill your soul, girl you are a good mom. Unfortunately shifting that mental chatter takes time — and that is also ok.

In hindsight now I know that irritability, feeling like I wasn't a good enough mother and wife, wanting to scream and needing quiet, not being able to manage my tone, making mountains out of molehills, high expectations of those around me comes from requiring too much of me. My body would start to talk often before I even recognized the offness. I would feel tense, with an increased heart rate and like I couldn't think straight. On the days where I felt depleted the thoughts often went to "I can't do this" — and that is a thought I simply wouldn't have on a regular hard day.

I wish I had given myself more grace, sat on the porch more, laughed at my kids being wild and recognized that was actually what made me a better mom. The difference for me between having a normal hard day and operating out of a chronically empty cup is that I could do it differently the next day, keep perspective, "Today was hard AND I am still a good mom", and it doesn't have to be perfect to be good.

We all have a BAD parenting day. Having a rough day doesn't make you a bad parent, it often makes you a depleted one. If I was right there with you I would say, "Good parents have hard days, good parents make mistakes and you are STILL a good parent." Slow down, breathe — there is almost nothing that requires you to press on in that "I am a BAD parent" state.

When I am feeling like a good parent I was able to remember that my children's behavior isn't all about me, I believed the best about my kids, felt like I was a good enough mom — all of which allowed me to operate from a calmer place.

Now what? How do I even start - SLOWLY - One baby step at a time.

Take 5 minutes, STOP and breathe, delay getting in the car, go late to school. Do you need to cancel "the plans", go for coffee or a walk after you drop your kids at school, do you need to rest and read a book rather than cleaning today? Do you need to order food for dinner so that after work you can take the kids to the park and sit in the sunshine for a minute? Would closing your door at work for an hour allow you to work uninterrupted? Do you need to ask for some help?

Can we pretend that someone you trust is there with you now, not to fix it, just to help you back into your thinking brain. Can you pause for a moment to just breathe? What is one thing that seems to help you fill your cup just a hair — please think small, not a whole plan, one thing that will move you from a "BAD DAY" to a "Rough but I got through" kind of day? Is there something you might say to yourself like a script? Maybe "I'm doing the best I can" or "I am learning."

Then a couple of days from now, could you consider — what would it look like to take 5 minutes to give a bit of attention to you? If you had an hour what would you love to do? What is something you can say to your kids when you are depleted that lets them know you need a few minutes? Like "I am tired and need to unwind too, the hour before bed is for slowing down, you can read a book or quietly draw and I will sit beside you and read my own book." Is it time to ask your partner or a trusted person for some help? And finally, what could you say NO to this week, or take off your plate to lighten your load a little?

Parenting can be so rewarding, tiring, exciting, a great privilege and at times lots of work. As you parent, remember they are learning and taking their cues from you. It is a ripple effect.

We all know that we can't care for our kids well without caring for ourselves — and prioritizing ourselves can be a new idea. What if more is caught than taught? What if just by doing some things you enjoy they see you being more fun, having more energy?

What is it you would love your kids to say about how you showed up for them — not perfectly — but on a consistent basis?

My hope is to encourage you, to remind you that you are doing a good job. It is easy to notice our mess-ups AND that usually creates a nasty spiral of our thoughts, energy and therefore our mood. SO let's pause and remember — what is one thing you are already doing that deserves some acknowledgement? Not a failure, the things you are quietly getting right. What if you showed yourself kindness in this parenting journey the same way you show your kids grace when they are learning something new? Permission to do one tiny thing for yourself this week and then notice the impact. When May is over what would you want to be able to say about your parenting that is the direct result of taking a little care of yourself?

Please know parenting can be hard, this article was meant to help you think about tiny things you can initiate on your own. If you feel stuck and don't know how to proceed, I am so willing to help. You do not have to do this alone. I would love to hear your feedback about what was useful and if there are other areas you would like me to cover. Feel free to respond here. If you prefer to reach out more privately you may contact me at 970-729-3545 or email me at shelley@intentionalsteps.us.