Boundaries, Baby Steps, and Why It Is Worth the Struggle
Photo credit: Punky @punkturesphotography
The people pleaser in me often let things go in order to keep the peace. After all, I didn't want to offend anyone. Things like guests breaking rules we didn’t let our kids break, allowing people to stop in unexpectedly and stay for hours, answering questions an acquaintance asked in the grocery store that were none of their business, explaining my behavior when the person asking was out of line to ask, not speaking up regarding behavior that said you are not valued, and smoothing tension for someone who was completely out of line.
And wow my body would immediately sense tension or conflict. My heart would race, tension would land in my neck, my mind would whirl trying to sort out my responsibility in the situation. After all, I probably played a part(right?) and often wanted to “work it out”. Not having a boundary cost me being myself and for years my focus was on keeping everyone else happy at the expense of me - though I didn’t get that at the time. As I look back I remember apologizing for the tiniest of things - now I realize that was often one of the first signs I was more focused on making sure the other person wasn’t upset instead of maintaining my own boundaries and peace.
A fact that had cost me much.
I usually felt annoyed and resentful when I say yes when I really meant no and find myself overthinking how they overstepped. I grew up going to church every time the doors were open and being taught that doing for others is evidence of our love for God. AND I still think it is and it was a half truth. Funny thing about this is it was easier in some regards to just do, do, do for others, I didn’t have to sort out when to say no and I didn’t have to deal with the second guessing and guilt that came from saying no to something good. I love people and doing things for others. This brings me great joy, however not when it is done at the cost of myself. That is the half truth. The difference is when I am being kind in a way that is also respectful of me, I don’t walk away feeling annoyed, resentful or overwhelmed. The times where I evaluated my own family's needs as well as mine allowed me to give without regret. That freed me up to enjoy the act of service while feeling peace in my soul. Not to say you never just help others, however that can’t be what I did all the time. It was sucking the life out of me instead of being something I am happy to have done.
For me setting boundaries is hard, with time it has become easier, risking someone being upset is uncomfortable and at times really stressful. When boundaries are not present relationships can be less enjoyable and feel not reciprocated. Over time this was headaches, overthinking was my friend, anxiety climbed and so did anger. Not to mention that I felt disconnected from the people I loved - my husband and kids, I was on edge often and honestly I felt numb. For me I had to figure out a way to still love others well BUT not at the cost of myself. I remember a point that my husband and I got away for a weekend and I found a little bit of me and realized just how high the cost had been. I was emotionally fried. I began to consider me, find some interests, give myself some grace. It turns out there is another way.
Brene Brown says, “Clear is Kind” and that means sharing expectations so that those involved can have a chance to voice wants and desires before it becomes a big deal. Knowing what someone wants or expects in a situation, allows me to decide if I can participate in a way that is useful to them or if this “thing” isn’t a good fit for me. This increases my trust in this person and allows me to be myself which is a great gift. So in the moment I get to show up as the best version of myself in life, using the strengths I have rather than feeling like I have to white knuckle through something that IS Not for me. When I am able to say yes or no based on what is my best self or a fit for my world and my soul - the inner me, feels calm and at peace and guess what there is less second guessing(not zero) and less resentment. In other words, I didn’t just do “the thing” to keep the peace. BRAVO! Funny thing setting a boundary actually gives you information about the person. Do they respect the boundary or do things escalate? If they respect the boundary trust develops and for me so does connection. When things escalate due to me setting a boundary it is important for me to pay attention, often this person cares more about what they want than about me as a person. Lightbulb moment!
SO learning to set boundaries can be a big undertaking if this is a new concept. Let’s talk about how you might dive in. First, what is your why for setting boundaries, mine is more internal calm and more of my best self showing up in the day to day. I have to know my why(CALM/Best Self) because boundaries are just a piece of how I will get there. Can we scale it? The top is Calm/Best Self and the bottom for me is anxious, overthinking, chatty mind constantly. I would say I live on a regular basis ¾’s of way to the top. You might say that must be nice… It is AND here is how I have done that. I am now kinder in how I talk to myself, I notice now the “this is ridiculous” and “why are you off”. Once I noticed I can catch it more often - I heard it this morning and then I realized you know exactly why this is happening..then I can choose to be understanding with myself rather than judgemental - game changer!
More of what I have done to calm or bring out my best self are regular walks, time in nature, journaling, lots more margin in my day, limiting my work hours/availability, setting aside a day to clean, do laundry and take care of life, sitting on my porch, watercolor painting, reading books. I could probably keep going. This has taken years of sorting and it has made a world of difference. What’s your best version of this list?
I also know that sometimes I still struggle to have my own boundaries. I am TOO available for people, make too much effort, and settle in order to have connection. Settle for lack of follow through and what feels like begging for interaction. I am learning to match effort and treat myself the way I want to be treated.
A tiny step that helps me is to remember it isn’t always personal AND I don’t have to keep coming to the table. Two things can be true at once - it isn’t personal and I don’t have to just endure. That would look like not reaching out more if I am the only one, care for myself so I feel less disconnected/abandoned/rejected. This is just a matter of noticing what is happening and responding in a way that is kind to me, no big announcement, no conversation, just action. For example, if someone doesn’t call me back I don’t keep calling. In order for me to do this I have to trust my good reasons for making the choice, as Maya Angelou says, when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. SO I would pay attention to what I see and believe them. I have to choose NOT to second guess my actions. To be able to do this I would remind myself I can trust my own perspective and often my husband is really helpful in talking through things.
A useful script that protects my peace is I have good judgement, I can trust me. I am finding talking to be less and less helpful in setting boundaries. A sign someone isn’t interested in talking about this is inability to say I am sorry, inability to move on in a healthy way after a discussion, and inability to take responsibility. IF this is the case, I am working on moving on, do my life, and stop begging for their understanding, validation, and choosing me. Their actions do indeed speak louder than words. Often getting back to my own life via my daily list helps me move on. This ALL sounds great AND what about the guilt? Should I, what if I had, maybe I need to… Turns out guilt doesn’t just show up when I messed up, guilt shows up when I do something brave(Dr. Alison Cook) like say you can’t treat me that way. So often the guilt opens a barrage of overthinking for this week I want to just focus on doing something different when it starts. SO when the guilt unleashes all the questions I am going to focus on saying to those thoughts… AND I made a conscious decision to respond as I have and that is a GOOD decision, let’s put on an audio book to refocus and take a walk, etc… Permission to stop overthinking and revisiting the decision. Here is what I have seen be true… This whole process has taken time, feels freeing and brave in one moment and hard and full of rejection the next. Knowing that setting a boundary and moving on is such growth AND can be often accompanied by sadness and loss.
Start slow, break the goal into little pieces — whatever that is for you. You do not have to implement boundaries everywhere with everyone. Start with an area that feels manageable. Maybe it could be giving some care to you. For me, caring for myself provided more in my cup to manage what was going to come next, even though I didn't know it at the time.
Fortunately for me I have a family that loves me unconditionally. As I began to increase my boundaries the safest place for me to implement this was with those closest to me. They loved me unconditionally and gave me lots of grace when I didn't get it all right. Me setting boundaries gives those around me permission to do the same. Seeing my kids setting boundaries way earlier than me and much more effectively is super rewarding. I love that they are willing to grow and learn. My husband and I are blessed to get to talk through this growth with them — what we are all learning together. My kids have also seen me be angry and resentful when I didn't set the boundary, and sad when I did and it didn't go the way I wanted. I promised myself I would be real with them, and I hope that allows them to sort through hard things and not have to "make it all ok" too. It has not been all rainbows and butterflies. I have learned that either way there is often a cost — whether I set the boundary or I don't — because I can't guarantee the outcome. However, what I do know is that in order for me to be my best self, setting a boundary is no longer optional. I share all of this because I want this peace for you too.
Even though the word “BOUNDARIES” can elicit an uggghhh - I have found it worth wrestling with. Evaluating my life and sorting what allows me to be my best self has changed my world and I am so proud of the freedom that has come as a result. Life is sweeter, my thoughts are quieter, little moments feel richer. Doing this work is worth the struggle, it is worth sorting through. Take baby steps because after all that is still progress. Notice as you go the teeny tiny things that work - because what you focus on ALWAYS gets bigger. What is one thing you are doing well right now, start paying attention to when it shows up daily.
Hear me when I say boundaries are a process NOT a one and done. I have included a list of questions(see below) that may help you think through setting your own boundaries. If you feel stuck and don't know how to proceed, I am so willing to help. You do not have to do this alone. I would love to hear your feedback about what was useful and if there are other areas you would like me to cover. Feel free to respond here. If you prefer to respond more privately you may contact me at 970-729-3545 or to my email shelley@intentionalsteps.us.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
Your Why
What is your WHY for having better boundaries — what would be different in your daily life?
What You Want
On a scale of 1-10 where are your boundaries right now — what makes it that number?
What's one area where the absence of a boundary is costing you the most right now?
What's the boundary you keep meaning to put in place — what's getting in the way?
What You Have
What's one area where a boundary is already working that you want to protect?
What do you already do that helps you feel calm and like your best self?
What's one thing you're already doing in this area that deserves acknowledgment?
One Small Next Step
What's one script you could use that protects your peace without starting a conflict?
How do you know when you've made your point and it's time to stop talking?
When someone pushes back on your boundary what's your plan — what do you actually say?
What do you do with the emotion that shows up after you've set a boundary — what actually helps you move through it?
What's one thing you could say no to this week by just not doing it rather than making a big announcement?
What's one boundary that if you put it in place this week would give you the most immediate relief?
Could you just DO the boundary without announcing it or does it require a conversation — what would that look like in your real week?
What's the tiniest boundary step you could take this week — not the whole conversation, just one small move?
Your Support
Who or what would support you in taking that step?
Photo credit: Punky @punkturesphotography