We’re NOT Fighting About the Dishes
Photo Credit: Polina Tankilevitch
"You didn't tell me that." "I don't like your tone." "You never help me around here." "You want to control the money." "I am not your maid." "You never communicate."
At the end of a work day or an overwhelming week, the conflict in a relationship can be enough to do us in. I know for me the last thing I want to do is have a hard conversation with my husband - especially after a stressful day or week.
But here's what I've noticed - both in my own life AND working with couples: We're rarely fighting about what we THINK we're fighting about.
That fight about whose family to visit for Christmas? That's not about Christmas. That's an unspoken expectation about holidays and traditions and what "family time" even means.
The resentment when he's playing video games while you're folding laundry? That's not about the laundry. That's an unspoken expectation about roles, weekends, and what "helping each other" looks like.
The tension around money? You literally might have completely different definitions of what "saving" means - and you've never actually talked about it.
Here's the relief part: You're not broken. You just never had these conversations.
And I can hear you saying, "But Shelley, we've been together for 10 years! Shouldn't we have figured this out by now?"
Nope. Not how it works. It's NEVER too late to have these conversations. Actually, it's way easier to have them NOW - even if there's some tension - than to wait until you're both hurt and angry after another blow-up.
So what if instead of fighting about the symptoms, we talked about the actual expectations?
What if we could figure out:
How do we WANT to handle money decisions?
What does "helping around the house" actually mean to each of us?
How will we navigate holidays with our families?
What does a good weekend look like?
Not because one person is right and the other is wrong. But because you're DIFFERENT people with different backgrounds and different ideas about how things should work.
"But Shelley, what if we disagree on these things?"
Oh, you WILL disagree on some of them. That's normal. That's actually GOOD - because now you can sort it out ahead of time rather than being blindsided by it in the middle of a fight.
And here's the thing: disagreeing doesn't mean you can't figure it out. It just means you need to talk about it and find WHAT WORKS for BOTH of you.
"How do I bring this up without starting World War III?"
Great question. Before you even get to WHAT you're going to talk about, think about HOW you're going to have the conversation:
When is a good time for both of us? (Not when someone just walked in from work or is already stressed)
Will we schedule a time or just talk on the fly?
Where will we talk? Home? A coffee shop? On a walk?
What do we want our tone and body language to look like?
If one of us is in a bad mood or doesn't have the bandwidth, will we reschedule?
If we get angry, will we keep talking or table it and set a time to circle back?
Setting up the conversation well matters just as much as what you talk about.
Here's what I know: We ALL have expectations about how things will look in our relationship. The problem isn't HAVING expectations - it's that we've never discussed them openly, and the other person definitely DOESN'T KNOW what we want.
Arguments and disappointment happen all the time around expectations and how we communicate about them.
So I created a list. Not because it's complete - it's definitely not. And not because you need to answer every single question - you don't. But because sometimes we need a place to START.
A list of things to consider that might help you think about ways to communicate better in your relationship, whether it's brand new or years old. Link For Questions
Need Help?
Working through a difficult conversation, relationship struggle, or life transition? I'd be honored to sit with you and help you figure out your next steps. Call or text me at 970-729-3545 or email shelley@intentionalsteps.us.