The List You Didn’t Know You Needed

Photo Credit: Shelley Fourney

If you haven't read "We're Not Fighting About the Dishes" yet, check it out, it'll help this list make a lot more sense.

Remember - you're not broken, you just haven't had these conversations yet. And THAT'S okay. We can all use some help sorting through areas of conflict in our relationships. That doesn't make us weird, it makes us human and willing to learn. It is NEVER too late to clarify these things. Whether you've been together for six months or sixteen years, these conversations matter.

I have created a place to start, a list of things to consider, in no way meant to be complete, rather this list is to help get you thinking about ways to communicate better in your relationship, whether it is brand new or years old.

The goal is NOT to agree on everything it is to understand what each of you want and find middle ground. Hopefully, this list serves as a jumping off point to get you thinking about the details that still need to be figured out.  

Roles

Who will work outside the home?  Who will contribute financially? Will we start our own business?

Who will do the cleaning, cooking, car repairs, grocery shopping lawn mowing and who decides the standards on these tasks?

Who will cook dinner every night?

Will we help each other with things like carrying in the groceries or yard work?

Will we work together on household chores or are there certain things you will each do alone?

Relationship 

How will we treat each other, when we are angry?  Is name calling, yelling, or walking out, ok?

When things are heated will we call it, finish discussion later and set a time to circle back or drop it forever?  Or will we be up front about not having the capacity for this discussion right now?

How will we talk about each other with our friends?

When we are angry how will we still show respect AND sort through our differences? 

Will we tell our friends/family about the details of our marriage?

Will we fight/argue in public?

What will our tones be when talking to each other?

Parenting

Do we want children? How many?

Is one of us staying at home raising the children? Will the kids go to daycare?

How will we discipline children?  Time Out? Positive Reinforcement? Natural Consequences? Spanking? Redirection? Gentle Parenting? 

Will we say no? 

Will we have a child centered home or a parent centered home or somewhere in between?

Do kids always need to come first, no matter what?  What defines a “need”?

What age do we think giving our kids a phone is appropriate?

Finances

Will we save money?

Is there a limit of what we spend without talking to the other?

Will we create a budget? Who will set up the budget, will we do it together?

Will we prioritize vacations?

Holidays/Birthdays

Will we buy gifts for each other?

How will we spend these events and where will we spend them?

Will we set an agreed on amount to spend?

What traditions are important to us?

Weekends

Will we work on household tasks, projects, or have fun?

Will we spend time together, separately or a mix of both?

How will we communicate about the weekend?

Decision Making

Will we keep a family calendar?

Will we plan work and play ahead of time or act spontaneously?

Will we make every decision together if not what decisions will be made separately?

Will we talk to each other before making plans, if so which ones?

Sexual Intimacy

Who initiates?

How often will we say yes to sex?

Will we ever say no to sex?

How will we say no in such a way to not hinder the relationship?

Is staying faithful and committed important to us?

Spiritual Things

Will we go to church together? Separately? 

Do we need to share the same views on spiritual things?

Will we pray before meals?

What will we teach our children about spiritual things?

Phone/Computer Usage

Will we have times of day where our phones are put on do not disturb/focus mode?

When we are talking to each other will we put our phones down?

If we are in the middle of something on our phones, will we say give me ten I really want to hear what you are saying let me finish what I am doing?

If we are talking or in the middle of a conversation, will we answer our phones no matter who calls/texts, do certain people get priority, will we call them back?

Communication

What will our tones be when we are talking to each other?

Will we limit the time we are going to discuss a heated topic?

Will we be honest that we can’t fully be present for a hard conversation at this time and will we schedule a time to circle back to the topic?

Hopefully these give you some confidence in approaching areas that can be hard to discuss. These questions were created with couples in mind, however many of these apply to friendships, coworkers, and relationships in general. 

I would love to hear your feedback about what was useful and if there are other areas you would like me to cover.  Feel free to respond here.  If you prefer to respond more privately you may contact me at 970-729-3545 or to my email shelley@intentionalsteps.us.

Need Help?

Working through a difficult conversation, relationship struggle, or life transition? I'd be honored to sit with you and help you figure out your next steps. Call or text me at 970-729-3545 or email shelley@intentionalsteps.us.