Can I Be Hard on Myself! What Shingles Taught Me About Self-Compassion

Photo Credit: Shelley Fourney

WOW! Can I be hard on myself! 

Why do you need to rest? I should be doing fill in the blank! That was stupid! What were you thinking? THat is ridiculous. The degree to which I can be hard on myself is astonishing, please tell me I am not the only one.   AND guess what? It really doesn’t help at all! It actually makes my struggle greater and it definitely doesn’t motivate me.

I found myself with the shingles a couple weeks ago and because it was a small spot and I had things to do figured I could just push through. After all “I manage my stress”, eat decently, exercise… Within a few days I recognized some irritation, annoyance and weariness. SHOCKER -right!?!? I felt so bone deep tired. Doing the everyday felt like too much, I felt easily overwhelmed and like I was dragging.

I decided to slow down, after two days of pushing through with lots of office work, some clients all despite the tired. Friday evening I hit a wall and it was close to 5pm and I told my husband I don’t think I can do anymore. He was like it’s almost 5pm call it good. I decided to require less of myself and actually recooperate! I could feel the calm returning physically and mentally. When I am not caring well for myself my insides can vibrate - feeling of nervousness inside. Yes, I know I am a therapist, you would think I know better. AND KNOWING isn’t enough. I have to practice what I preach. And although I do practice these things, I am human. I am definitely implementing things I know to be good for me and sometimes I just need to pause. Be particular about really tuning into me a little more. Stop doing one more thing and take the break.

Soooo…Here is what I am learning about self-compassion. You might be wondering - what is that exactly? According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion involves treating oneself with the same care, support, and understanding as a dear friend when experiencing pain, failure, or inadequacy. Dr. Neff is the best resource I know for this subject. For me self compassion is saying, "Girl, you have been handling a concerning client case, some family struggles, and trying to stay in your lane - you may need a break." It is ok to be weary, it is ok to rest. Instead of asking myself "what is wrong with you" or saying "this is ridiculous" I am learning to say kind things to myself: "You are ok", "It's time to rest" "Life has been a lot.”

I have to listen to my body. Shingles benefit from rest. That is it - do not wonder why or try to analyze it - accept my body is fighting something and it is ok to rest. Here is where it gets tricky for me though. I kept trying to figure out what caused the shingles. The stressor I think triggered it? That's an area I have worked and worked on. I thought I had it handled. So getting shingles made me feel like I failed somehow. I should know better, I do this for a living…And I still have to offer myself kindness.

I then listen and do what feels restful. What restful looks like - for everyone is different. For me it is about lack of pressure and obligation. So that could be vegging out on netflix, reading, cooking, cleaning, or even working. I am writing this blog as I sit on my porch in the sun. Writing this blog feels restful because there’s no deadline- I can take my time and enjoy myself. SO I ask myself what do you need or what would you enjoy right now. AND then I am learning to listen. Of course we do not always have the luxury of taking a whole day and listening or even a few days, however given I have shingles my body sort of removed me from life for a bit. I can fight and argue via my actions or I can listen.

So what does this look day to day… giving myself self compassion. Treating myself like I want to be treated. Creating space in my day to stop, pause, or do something kind for me. I am working on not expecting this from everyone else. Rather giving it to myself. I used to look to others to validate and I still do - however it is way less. "I still will often share with my husband, 'I feel like I need rest,' and he is great at validating me, 'I agree.'" I used to need him to notice I needed a break. Getting better at giving myself permission.

Things like sitting on the porch for 5 minutes, cleaning the bathroom (it isn't always a fun thing), reading, watching a show, and going for a walk. The list could go on and on and doing what is kind for me might look like work to someone else. Notice how it resonated with me.

This doesn't mean all day everyday. I find it does serve me to incorporate this type of thing regularly NOT just when I have the shingles. Honestly, I do this for myself AND my body still got shingles. Sometimes we don't fully understand it all. In this case, boy, can I overthink it. Who did I catch this from? I thought I was handling the stress better. On and on I went.

That is when it is time to listen or read something relaxing, a fiction story, a light podcast, or some music. Probably is not the time for me to dig into my list of numerous self help books I love, why you might ask? I have noticed in the times where I need easy fiction, the self help can be overwhelming and pressuring. Because I am a thinker and a learner and a grower and these activate my brain, getting me thinking more than is useful in the moment. At a time like this I need a peaceful brain and a calm brain so often a fiction story does that for me or a grace filled podcast. Then in time I can return to things that foster more thinking. I will know because if I am reading or listening I will feel excited and engaged not overwhelmed and as if I have to do one more thing. 

This is how it works for me. Really I am encouraging you to start to notice how you respond in similar situations and listen. It has been really helpful to gather information on myself. Also, as I have gathered this information - Actually listening to what I learn about myself builds self-trust. An example would be when I have spent lots of time with people, taking time to be by myself proves really useful in a replenishing way. 

I am also finding as I work with lots of people that many feel this same way and I can help them sort out what this looks like for them. Here are some practices that help me:

1 - Notice the struggle 

2 - Speak to myself as I would a friend 

3 - Identify what I need for this very minute

Sometimes the most basic things like eating/drinking, doing one small piece of a task or even taking a break are the most compassionate thing I can do for myself.

This topic of self-compassion applies to all of us, whether we're managing stress at work, in relationships, or just trying to navigate daily life. I would love to hear your feedback about what resonated with you and if there are other areas of self-compassion or self-care you would like me to cover. Feel free to respond here. If you prefer to respond more privately you may contact me at 970-729-3545 or email me at shelley@intentionalsteps.us.

Need Help?

Working through a difficult conversation, relationship struggle, or life transition? I'd be honored to sit with you and help you figure out your next steps. Call or text me at 970-729-3545 or email shelley@intentionalsteps.us.