Stay in Your Lane

Photo credit: Shelley Fourney “Stay in Your Lane”

“Stay in Your Own Lane?” Easier said than done. I so want friends and family to find solutions, sort out next steps and have relief from their pain and frustration. Does anyone else agree? AND it turns out nobody, including me, wants to be told what, when and HOW to do it. AND yet I find myself regularly wanting to “fix it” for someone else. I’ve heard acknowledging this problem is half the battle and the other half staying in my lane. This can be so hard.

Probably for me the most difficult time to mind my own business is when I have experienced something similar and sorted it out. I want to impart my wisdom. AND the closer the person is to me the harder it is to shut up. Why? Because I adore them and I want the best for them and because I have opinions about what “the best” is. I am trying to get better in this area so some ways I know I am NOT staying in my lane.

Warning Signs I am Headed for Trouble

1-Listening has stopped. I can only think about what I want to say next.

2-I am consumed with the need to share my “wisdom”.

3-The person hasn’t asked for my input.

4-Feeling stressed, tension in my neck, my heart rate goes up a bit, and they are ALL I can think about.

5-Thinking I could “save” them from further pain.

6-Sometimes a person asks for help and they don’t want it.

So how do you do this? For me -  caring for someone is all about listening and interacting with THEM. Hearing their thoughts and opinions, asking questions that are full of genuine curiosity. Genuine curiosity is the type of questions I ask when I want to understand them and their world, not because I am trying to lead them toward my solution. I ask myself: am I asking this question because I want to understand them, or because I want to steer them? These questions just help me know the person in a deeper way. Think about getting to know someone new or someone you sit next to on an airplane that you strike up a conversation with - going back and forth asking questions like where are you from, what do you do, and follow up questions about those things - it is easy and no pressure. When I am asking questions because I want someone to do it my way I ask well what about this__ or have you thought about that__? Feel the difference.

Another thing I want to do for my loved ones is be able to “SIT IN IT”  with them. So if my need to share my wisdom overtakes my ability to SIT IN IT with them, then for me I am interfering. I never want my need to help to overshadow my love for the person sitting in front of me. Showing unconditional love is my goal and it isn’t about them doing what I think is right for them. OUCH..  Or rushing to fix. 

Some things I am trying to remember is first how if I get in the middle between them and sorting out what they need, I always muddy the water and often I end up being the “bad” guy, because I overstepped. Ever tried to fix it for one of your teenagers? Suggest they talk to the teacher about a class they need help in, get a tutor, etc. Maybe your kid was like, “You are so right - I will get right on that” and they did. Lucky You! What may be more typical is that now they absolutely are not asking their teacher for help or getting a tutor because you suggested it. They are now upset or mad(never at my house) and their stress is even higher. Rather than just give them space to deal with the issue at hand I have made things worse. Secondly, I wait to give input until I am asked or I ask questions to help them sort out what they want and do this through genuine curiosity about their life desires. 

Now how do I remember to do this - for me it is noticing every time I want to ADD in my wisdom to a conversation:

1 - Ask have I listened well?

2 - Do they feel loved and cared about?  

3 - Have I been asked to offer solutions?

One caveat is when someone asks for my help or input. I am ready to dive in and I am off - I have been completely reeled in and I start to notice there is a shift in the person, they may say YES, but they may get quiet, or something just feels off. So now what… I am working on noticing this and not plowing forward, stopping. I have to admit I can get irritable or disappointed because I was so excited to help and I am literally going caps lock because I am saying this to myself IT ISN’T MINE TO FIX!!!!!! STOP SHELLEY GO BACK TO LISTENING!

The reality is we all grow and learn differently and what if I walked beside them in sorting that out. My hope is that their abilities and confidence in themselves would grow as they sort out their own struggles - after all isn’t that what it is really all about? I don’t really want people telling me what to do, I want them to listen and be in it with me.

Why even write about this? My hope is that by sharing my struggle it may be useful to others. I find myself stuck in this cycle of wanting to help or fix. Often writing about things helps me discover insight as well as take steps towards progress and out of stuck. The quote by Flannery O’Connor “I don’t know what I think until I write it down” holds true for me often. Now if I can just remember all this the next time someone I love is struggling...

Questions for Reflection:

What kind of help do I want to be to my friends and family?

How will I remember in the moment to be this sort of support?