In Order to Fill My Cup I Learned to Become My Own Best Friend

Photo Credit: Shelley Fourney

Where did “BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND” even come from?

I spent years working to please everyone and I don’t use that loosely. Making sure people were happy with me. If there was tension I would SMOOTH it. I chose to do that even if I didn’t agree or at a cost to myself - I thought being nice meant no conflict, being a peacemaker. It turned out I wasn’t giving myself much compassion, guilt was my constant companion, overthinking and obsessive thoughts were common and I for sure wasn’t very kind to myself mentally. I would spend hours going over and over something I said or did. I had always prioritized exercise, nutrition, and some personal growth, however I didn’t trust myself on much of anything and I felt anxious and uneasy often. It was a miserable way to live, unfortunately I didn’t know the impact to me until I started to fill my own cup more. As I did that I noticed all the anxious things like overthinking and obsessive thoughts began to decrease. Not because I focused on how to get rid of anxiety, but because I figured out what calm looked like in my life. I started to treat myself differently. I began to do small things like go with the decision I made, not apologize for everything, give myself room to make mistakes, and welcome good enough on various things from how I said something to a task I was doing.

Being my own best friend started with not serving everyone else at the cost of myself. Realizing that I can only care for others to the extent I care for myself. (Author unknown) Meaning I stopped saying YES to everything. Also, I began asking do I WANT to do this? Of course that doesn’t mean I ONLY do what I WANT to do. 

It means that I now consider the following type questions: 

1- Is this of interest? Do I want to do this? If not I don’t even have to move forward. I often get a physical response that tells me a lot about this opportunity. I always squelched those in the old days. NOW I listen and I respond in a way that allows me to create trust in myself. 

2 - Does it fit with what I am good at ?

3 - Do I have the time to add in another responsibility in my life? 

4 - Does it seem fun? Or does the thought of it cause my heart to race and my soul fill with dread?

5 - If I say yes to this opportunity or responsibility what am I saying no to?

6 - What does my husband think? I regularly check in with my husband about new responsibilities I am taking on. It often looks like a conversation in the morning while we are starting our day, smell of coffee brewing(had to add that), I often say, “You up for a conversation about____?” He regularly responds, “Babydoll, I always have time for you.”  This man means it and his actions show it. I bring him up to speed on the opportunity or situation and we talk through the time involved, what is required, impact to current schedule, financial cost, impact to him(less since we don’t have kids at home), and if I say yes to this what does that mean saying no to. This also gives me a chance to determine if I even want to do this. He asks questions, shares any concerns, and offers his opinion. By this time we usually both have arrived at a similar decision. I trust him and he wants the best for me. If he thinks it is a bad idea I listen. We usually discuss and sort until we figure out a compromise or come to an agreement.

Showing care for myself is prioritizing maintenance tasks. These are things that for me are the bare minimum. Why? Because they allow me to operate in a reasonable way. A “reasonable way” includes rest along with what it takes to maintain or fill my cup.

 For me maintenance tasks are: 

1-Regular Workouts - Strength Training as well as Cardio

2-Monday Reset - Rarely do I schedule appointments or see clients. I clean, do laundry, food prep certain items I like to keep on hand like rice, chicken and smoothies. Review my week via my planner.

3-Adjust my pace so that margin is a regular part of my day and I am not on a perpetual mental hamster wheel.

4-Be realistic about what I can accomplish. Ask if the current list is going to leave me with time to sit and take a break. If the answer is no, I often adjust the list.

5-Build in time to stop in the day for a break. That may look like sitting on my deck, eating a smoothie(I make chocolate smoothies and freeze them), watch something, a call with a friend, watercolor, and even scrolling social media.

6-Monitoring how I am responding to the folks within my four walls - is it kind or am I sending a message with a tone that says leave me alone? Do I do it? Yes? Is that how I want to respond - NO? That tone tells me I planned too much, am trying to squeeze too much in, haven’t taken time to fill my cup, or am tired and/or stressed.

7-Bible Time/ Journaling/ Self Reflection

8-Incorporate longer periods of refilling for myself 2-4 times a month. They look like time with my husband on the deck visiting or an adventure, time with a friend in a phone conversation, going to town, hiking, or cross country skiing, watercolor, reading/audio books, and podcasts. As well as time at home alone is one of my favorites because it means fewer interruptions, getting to putz around the house, decorate for a season (recently fall), dig into a project, clean - the most important piece is I love being alone in my own home occasionally. Going to town by myself or with a friend - this is at least ½ a day given where we live.

For me the difference between maintenance tasks and things that fill my cup is often the time involved. As you saw above I do incorporate time for some of these things below throughout my day. When I do the maintenance tasks even for 5-10 minutes here and there it helps me maintain treating myself and others well. Getting to do some of these things like I mention below for longer is like topping off the cup and even causing it to overflow. It isn’t really about the activity, it helps me be my best self. Then the maintenance tasks keep me on track.    

How do I know maintenance is no longer working?

The first thing I notice is I don’t want to be around people, my heart is racing more, I am having difficulty answering basic questions like my husband asking what do you want me to pull out of the freezer for dinner - and all I can think is how annoyed I am at the question.  IT IS TIME. I actually try to keep things scheduled that fill my cup. So as I write I have the following scheduled with my hubby to go adventure and leaf peep, a friend and I are scheduled to do the same, going to take a friend to the airport, which provides great conversation and then I will have alone time on the way home, then my birthday is coming up and will get some time with my husband and kids. So this month is shaping up well to fill my cup. I actually may need to make sure I get alone time in there because I will be with people a lot.

Additionally, one of the things that suffers when I haven’t taken cup topping time is my creativity, I have trouble thinking when I am writing, I don’t want to deal with social media posts, I often just want to watch a show and check out rather than do something that is filling. Not that a show can’t be filling, but if that is the only thing  I am doing FOR ME that means I am trying not to deal with life. Getting out for some cup topping time restores creativity, I smile and laugh more and get out of bed more easily. Also, I talk out loud to my dog, I hug my husband, and I am in general excited about my days.

You know what I have learned. The level of my cup MATTERS. Maybe you see yourself here also.

Table by Shelley Fourney

When I do things that fill my cup I am able to operate out of my best self. I smile more, I am kinder, I have patience, we live very rurally so going to the grocery store I often run into people - when my cup is reasonably full I love talking to community members I run into.  I am available for the people within my four walls to talk, discuss, have better conversations, be able to be compassionate, listen, stay in my lane(see September 2025 blog). The fuller the cup the easier time I have figuring out what I need.

So what does this look like day to day?

I pay attention to my rushing around with barely time to breath, must finish 200 things list, snapping at my husband, the tension in my neck from stress and my racing heart rate when I am trying to accomplish too much, or dealing with conflict, those signal for me that something is off. It isn’t always important for me to know, however if I simply ask myself what is going on? I can usually sort it out. Oh I have been incredibly busy, a client is really struggling and I am concerned, I am dealing with a hard personal situation or I have worked into the margin and I haven’t done enough to fill my cup. 

NOW What? I may have worked myself into a corner for whatever reason and it may not be quick to get out. Once I notice then I think about how can I create time and enough margin to treat myself a little better as soon as possible. I often look at my list and identify things that may need to wait even though yesterday I was insistent that it had to happen asap. I then begin to think about what I need - time to journal, a walk, trip to the woods, watercolor, what is it that will put something back into my cup?? Even five minutes.

The best part about noticing how full my cup is that I am consciously taking care of myself, not in a selfish way, but rather in a way that doesn’t sit around waiting for someone else to do it. I can then get back to the things I feel “called” to. For the record if I don’t care well for me, I have nothing when I sit with clients, the love for my work is gone. If you are not sure where to start here is what I have found helpful.

Often I find folks have something they think is a good place to start to work on caring for themselves and filling their cup. Whatever that area is - start there. If it is your house, exercise, nutrition, saying no. Then ASK YOURSELF how could I take five minutes today where I give myself what you have identified and so at the end of the day your cup feels a bit fuller?

And of course, I am here and happy to help if that is useful. Thank you for trusting me and remember even beginning to think about how full your cup is and how you are treating yourself is the first step in being your own best friend.

What questions came up for you while reading this?

I'd love to hear what resonated or what you're curious about. Because remember - I'm not the expert on your life. I'm just here to help you figure out what works for YOU one baby step at a time. 970-729-3545

Photo credit: Punky @punkturesphotography