You Don’t Have to Survive the Whole Year Today
Photo Credit: Shelley Fourney
If you're struggling to stay, or you're learning how to live after a devastating loss — this one's for you. And if you're somewhere in between, trying to figure out how to show up for someone in either of those places, this is for you too.
Let's talk really simply about some things that might be useful to all of us.
If You're Struggling With Your Own Mental Health
Help is available. There are so many people who care.
I know it's a huge step to reach out and see a therapist. That can be a really helpful piece. And there are also ways to manage on your own if seeing a therapist isn’t for you.
So if you're struggling, can you start by thinking about what you need? Just for the first hour of the day.
Do you need to move? Eat? Take care of your animal? Be at work at a certain time? Pay a bill?
Keep it really small. Remember, those tasks ARE important. Often that routine is what helps you deal with life one day at a time.
You don't have to focus on getting through the month or the year. You can just focus on the next day — sometimes minute by minute, hour by hour.
If You Are the One Grieving
Parents, siblings, partners, family, friends — grief and loss take a lot of energy. Do not rush yourself. Be where you are each day, whether that's sadness, anger, confusion, all of it.
One day you might be okay. Another day you might be falling apart. Neither is wrong.
Grief isn't something you just no longer have one day, or that a month from now you'll be over. You are grieving people you loved and did life with. Each day is full of grief AND loss, and that can feel all-consuming and make it really hard to function.
The grief intensity fluctuates. Some days you feel like you live more than you grieve. Other days you're flooded by grief and functioning feels impossible. Neither is wrong.
Here's something I hear a lot: sometimes doing life produces guilt — like it's wrong to go on. AS IF living life means the loss is less significant. It is okay to keep living.
Know that caring for your basic needs — eating, drinking, showering — may be all you can do for a while. That is actually living. And that's okay.
In my experience, in time, people are able to do a little more living alongside the grief. That is healthy, and it doesn't make the loss any less.
Where These Two Groups Meet
Here's what's interesting, or maybe ironic — managing through just one minute or one hour at a time can be true for somebody who's really struggling with their mental health, AND for somebody grieving the loss of someone. Both of you are doing the same hard work: getting through, one small piece at a time.
How Do You Love Someone Who's Either Struggling to Stay, or Has Lost Someone?
Little things go a long way. When somebody is struggling with their mental health or full of grief, loving them in the small moments can mean a lot.
Instead of saying "let me know if you need anything," try small and specific questions, like:
Do you need company, or to be alone?
Would you like me to go to the funeral home with you?
Can I bring you dinner? Can I clean out your fridge?
Would it help if I connected you to a therapist, or went with you to that first appointment?
And if you say "I'll check in tomorrow" — do it.
People struggling still want to feel respected, and asking what they need shows that. Nothing says "I love you" more than a willingness to do life with that person — to listen, to hear them, and just be with them in the struggle or the grief.
If you're concerned about somebody's safety, ask. "Hey, I'm worried about you." "I've noticed you're missing work, or you haven't been walking your dog, or you're drinking more than normal for you."
Asking about whether someone is thinking about ending their life does NOT decrease their safety. Don't be afraid to address it.
Let's Sit in the Struggle Together
So let's be willing to sit in the struggle with each other, walk through life together in pain, day by day. In doing so, we provide hope to each other that we can get through together, one step at a time.
Want some help? Please contact me at 970-729-3545.
Photo credit: Punky @punkturesphotography